Beauty can be very painful. Sure, it isn't so painful on the eyes, but people, men mostly, have no idea of the pain that goes into meeting the current beauty ideals as touted by Vogue and Nuts: electrolysis, eyebrow plucking, spending any amount of time balancing yourself on 6 inch heels and especially doing so on one of your regular and long shopping excursions, regular hair removal, toxic make up, creams, lotions, hair dyes, hair spray, jewelry, more hair removal, expensive handbags, hair removal methods that sound and feel like medieval torture procedures, and if you're especially hairy, more hair removal.
Is patriarchy to blame for these painful ideals of beauty? Interestingly, I'm going to say no. Long gone are the days of mandatory foot binding. Women have every choice about whether or not they conform to these ideals and the ones that do, happily do so in a kind of self-serving masochism.
The ones that don't, of course, become background noise, unstriking and invisible, not ogled as they walk down the street or have doors held open for them. In other words, the lucky ones. It's win win for them They're free from the tortures of beauty and the attentions of inane men. More often than not, they're mistaken for lesbians.
But the reality is, it's not just lesbians who couldn't care less about impressing men. And I'm not talking about prudes or nuns either. I'm talking about ordinary heterosexual women who only care to impress the kind of man who doesn't require them to go through a car wash every morning; who likes their raw natural beauty, or even better, who they are on the inside. Content that they look fine to the person they care about most, these women boldly give the two fingers to everyone else.
Everything is relative. But if I blame women for betraying the sisterhood, for raising men's expectations so all women have to follow and lowering their own expectations, I will be just as bad as those feminists who blame Muslim women for raising the modesty standard and making them look like whores. Whatever you're comfortable with, do it. I certainly don't think an overly decorated woman is stealing my light. If anything, I think I'm stealing hers. When in doubt, love the skin you're in.
Friday, 15 August 2008
Pain and beauty
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5 comments:
Hi Ala,
A very interesting post. For me, it's not so much the pain of meeting beauty ideals as the amount of time involved which is troubling. I, and I suspect most other (at least partly) South Asian women, would probably need to spend about four hours each time to look the way Vogue and Nuts expect us to, just because of the amount of hair removal! I used to shave my legs all the way up (and I mean all the way), epilate my underarms, wax my bikini line, bleach pretty much everywhere else, pluck my eyebrows, chin, upper lip and nose... and that's before even starting on the hair on my head!
I have decided that I no longer have time to do all this. I used to look at my mother (who had painful electrolysis on her face and legs for many years to make them completely smooth, and even before that was less hairy than I am now) and think, 'Why doesn't she make more of an effort? Why doesn't she wear even the slightest bit of make-up? Why does she cut her hair so short?' And now I completely understand - she had two children (and a husband) to look after! I would rather spend my time on books, writing and ideas than removing dead cells from my body, and I imagine many women who choose this route feel more fulfilled for it.
Still, it's a dichotomy. When single women pay no attention to our looks, we are invisible to the vast majority of men in any sexual sense - and to be invisible can be troubling if you have no person you care about most, and want one. I know that, when I start dating again, I'll have to make some effort with my looks, and even the idea makes me feel a bit weary. I would very much like to love the skin I'm in - but it's hard when it's covered in hair!
Thanks for your insightful comment. The day after I wrote this post, I found a whole bunch of snow white hairs nestled in my otherwise black hair and was on the verge of tears, hoping it was just the stress and not a genetic trait. It also hit me hard what a hypocrite I was.
As for hair removal, I'm no hairy legged feminist either, although I've gotten off quite lightly hairiness-wise for a central Asian. I also realise now that it is a lot easier not to care about your appearance when you have a partner to always compliment you, and I forgot how insecure I used to be.
You're right in that it is not so much the pain (it becomes just a tickle after a while), but the time women have to waste on these things that is so bothersome. I'm glad you've found time for better things and I hope it stays that way even when you start dating again. I'm going to see how far I can get away with just removing the gorilla hair, and leaving the lighter hair as nature intended.
I've found a couple of grey hairs and my mum freaked, but I wasn't that bothered. I probably should be.
I've also never shaved (though I HAVE used hair-removal creams, I have bleached face-hair and I do my eyebrows).
I only recently became comfortable with make-up.
It's not so much time or pain that bothers me - it's money! Women have this image of being spendthrifts, and when you're expected to spend £40 minimum on basic make-up, is it any wonder?
I do agree with you also that a lot of this beauty stuff is female- rather than male-enforced. You forgot to mention, I think, that it's a useful tool to create identification and common ground between older and younger women, and that's part of why it's so ingrained.
I am curious though - I wonder just how much body hair men really mind?
We'll just have to ask them!
I found a great way to save money on make up: not buy it at all. I feel it is the one thing that we're not compared with others on, but with ourselves when we don't wear it. So if you don't wear it at all, there's nothing to compare you with and you always look your best with no effort!
I seem to get along with older women more than younger women, and the ones I identify with also don't wear make-up. So it's only ingrained in some circles. It is perfectly possible to be normal and happy without it. Who wouldn't with all the money they save?
Amen to that!
I actually don't wear or buy make-up myself, but I started doing so recently because my sister made me buy all this stuff for her wedding, and now it's just sitting there and I feel that I ought to use it, seeing as how I spent £40 on it. Then there's the stuff that gets given as presents...
White hairs or no white hairs (and now I have 3), I REFUSE to use henna. I am NOT walking around looking like my head has caught rust.
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